The Christmas Holiday is upon us once again. I find myself pondering what in the world am I going to get for my loves ones?! I honestly have no rightly idea. As I have gotten older, the people that I find myself racking my brain to buy for are really my own children. Everyone is really secondary.
Does that sound rude?
Yes I definitely want to buy for my siblings and my parents, but let's get real, everything is becoming way to expensive. I would much rather buy some art supplies and maybe create a painting for their living room. Or offer them a portrait session, or even make one of my photo's into something they would hang up.
Now, I don't feel like I am being cheap, just resourceful. After all, isn't it supposed to be the thought that really counts?! My sister just delivered her two beautiful baby girls and I know she really shouldn't be buying presents. My parents have many things that I know they could take care of. I know my mom and she probably already has presents for everyone anyway.
My in-laws are awesome people but I know they would rather enjoy the kids company and maybe go to dinner or something.
So, when you wake up on Christmas day and you have opened your presents from Santa Claus, and there is nothing else for you, remember, you are alive and you are with loved ones. If you are alone this Christmas, give us a call. I don't know what we'll be doing, but you can certainly hang out.
And if I could say one more thing...I know people say; "Remember the reason for the season." And yes we should take a moment and remember that Christ was born. But it's the time frame that Christ was born, what I think He would want us to really concentrate on is that God gave us His precious child, to die for us and our sins.
He gave to us. Does that mean we have to "Give" gifts, material things to one another? I don't think so. I think what God and His Prince would want us to do is "Give" of ourselves to one another. Our time, our prayers, our thoughts, our presence.
With that being said,

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I have often wondered about the condition of my heart. Not necessarily from a health perspective but as a fulfilled perspective. If that makes any sense what so ever. Every day I ask God to show me who I am and what my purpose on this earth really is. And you know what response I get in return? Silence.

Day after day, I received silence. It racked my brain and my soul as to why such an awesome and loving God would not respond to this question. I pleaded and begged for some kind of sign or resemblance of an answer. But nothing ever came.

Then I realized I needed to ask myself, is there a reason why I am not getting any answer from God? I had to reevaluate my question. It was bad timing. God I know wants to tell me what my purpose is and wants to tell me who I am, but I'm not ready to know yet.

I am not ready to hear the answer to the question. My heart is not ready to go to that place yet. God decided to answer my question with a question of His own. He asked me if I was ready to know the answers? And rightfully so. Am I ready for the answer he wants to give me?

Am I ready to know who I am and who and what I am supposed to be?

When I ask myself those questions my heart starts to beat rapidly. I know the neurons in my brain are firing faster and faster because my thoughts start going anywhere and everywhere.

How is my soul? Is my heart ready to move forward? Is my body a place for Christ to live in? What can I do to improve my body so that Christ would be proud? What happened that I am where I am now? Who can I turn to to help me out of this drowning state that I am in? Am I man enough to stand up to my demons?

Those are just some of the questions I have for myself. I know I am not alone in this. I know there are probably many out there that are asking the same questions about themselves.

But each of us are different. We each have our own demons.

How we fight against those demons is the key...the key to everything.

Who fights in our corner with us can mean a world of difference in whether or not we win the battle. Will you stand in my corner? Will you back me up?

Let us come together right now and stand in each other's corner. Let's fight for one another. Let's forgive our pasts and push forward. This is the only way we will win.

Who's with me?

This year I will turn 34 years old. I can barely believe that in one more year I will be 35. From the time I was 17 years old I knew; well I thought I knew I wanted to do something with youth, journalism and photography. When I first decided to go to college they had a journalism program. While in college I decided it would be great idea to join the Marine Corps. So, I did, I became a Military Police officer in the United States Marine Corps Reserve. But right off the bat, I took a tour to Australia for 5 weeks.

So after a about a year off from school I decided to go back, but when I got back they didn't have journalism any longer. So, inspired by my youth minister, I decided to go into youth ministry.

While studying, I changed my major several times. Having a creative background I thought I would transfer to an art school and become an art teacher.

But of course my credits wouldn't transfer, so, I stayed at school, learning about ministry and youth. Well, in the course of seven years I learned a lot. About life, love, and who I was and who I thought I wanted to be. I finally graduated with two degrees. One bachelors in youth ministry, and an associates in Psychology. I thought I was someone and I thought I was on my way to be an awesome youth minister.

Then life happened. I got a divorce, left my ministry and moved back home with my parents.

I was on my way...awesome right.

But as they say, everything happens for a reason. And I believe this to be totally true.

I have been happily married to my awesome wife Katie almost six years. We own an awesome photography company. I am creating again. I have three awesome children as well.

I will always love photography, but I still feel like I am missing something...I feel that God is still calling me to do something in the ministry field. I would love to create a Christian youth magazine. But we will see.

My next step is to listen to my heart and to the heart of God.

Let me break it down...
For those who didn't know, today was the day that Christ had his last meal before being nailed to the cross...while I am writing this, Christ was actually in the Garden praying to God, His father, to pass the cup to someone else, or find another way to get His humans to come back to him...
There is no way I could possibly fathom what he was going through...the angst, the confusion, knowing what he would go through, the torture, the hate, the death.
Soon, Judas will bring the soldiers to Jesus and kiss him on his cheek forever changing the course of history. So, while we celebrate a bunny rabbit bringing us a basket full of fake grass, with plastic eggs full of delicious candy, or while we celebrate our planet and how to clean it up, let's remember that this weekend, a man, who had the choice to walk away and didn't, gave his life for every living being, all those that have lived before you and me, and all those that will come after us. So that, instead of God sending a series of plagues, or flooding the earth, or just killing us on the spot and starting over, God decided that he would sacrifice the only piece of him that he himself put on this earth through Mary.
How heavy is that?
It floors me! It really does. When I really picture it in my head, tears just flow. They flow, because I can only imagine, the pain and torture that he went through and then the died. But then I have to remind myself, the biggest sacrifice that he made was coming back to earth so that he could prove that he was God's real son and that he could indeed defeat the devil at any time.

Stay tuned if you will, tomorrow, I'd like to talk more about "Good" Friday.

Just some phrases I th0ught might be beneficial...well for what they are worth:

It's all about control!

How great you are!

Keep yourself in perspective! You are here for others, not yourself.

Be available...be liquid, be fluid...

Be humble in the sight of the Lord!

Be still and know...

Get Perspective!

Let it flow!

Don't dwell!

Leave it behind!

Become a rockstart today!

We all have been wounded at some point in our life. How we handle our wounds determines what kind of life we lead. Over the many years that I have been blessed to walk this earth I have been wounded more times than I would like to count.
I will be the first one to admit I have not handled my wounds very well. There have been many times that I have lost my cool, blown up, screamed, and just ruined some one else's day. There have been many times that I have not wanted to deal with my wounds at all and just be miserable.
Would it be a wise thing to display or talk about the exact wounds that I have or have endured? Maybe, maybe not.
But know this; we each have a choice to be who we want to be. We do have a choice to overcome the crap that we have been dealt in our lives. You see, God allows things to happen to us so that we can learn from these things and become a much stronger person. You have to decide if you want to become stronger or not.

"Happy people just don't shoot their husbands." -Elle Woods

How happy are you? I mean really happy? What was the last thing you did, or saw that made you happy? What was it exactly that made you happy?

While watching the movie Legally Blonde, I know, some how I just got sucked in; but while watching, there were several scenese that made me laugh. It was funny, and it made my belly jiggle like Santa Claus on Christmas.
But after that scene was over, that feeling was over. It made me laugh, but it didn't make me happy. We used to have a 50 inch rear projection screen television. It was awesome, until we had a lightning strike. So, insurance paid for a 46 inch plasma flat screen. It was incredible, until the capacitors stopped working and the tv started turning off and on by itself. So, we went and got a 42 inch LCD flat screen. Well, we bought the floor model so you have to turn it on a certain way or the sound won't work.
I don't know if you have caught on yet or not, but everytime we tried to make our selves happy or replace the last bit of happiness it just went down badly and that happiness was left unfulfilled. And when I say we, I really mean me.
There is a book called The Five Languages of Love. I you haven't read it, you should. The book is about learning about the languages of love. For example, some people all you have to do is tell them that you love them and that's enough. Their love language is affirmation or verbal. Where as others, need to see it through actions. Some need to see it through materialism.
Some people have more than one love language.
I bring this up because we each look for happiness in something different. But the problem is that we look for happiness to come from others. We wait for some one else to bring us happiness.
The solution to our happiness problem is to search within. Growing up we all strived to find that one thing or things that made us happy, but we got caught up in making everyone else happy. Don't lie, you know you did it too!
I am now 33 years old and with the new year and all the reflecting I have done; I need to start relying on myself to become happy. It has to start with me. I have to become responsible for my own happiness. Of course I still invite with open arms the opportunity for others to bring me happiness, but I have come to an understanding that if I am not happy with myself, ultimately I will really never be happy.
So where do I start to make myself happy? That's a great question...I have talked about it in other blogs. But in the future I plan on really breaking down my path to happiness.
What drives your happiness?

On January 1st, I spoke about my New Year vow. And if you remember I spoke about love. One huge thing that I know I need to work on, is a true extension of Love! That thing is forgiveness. If I hate one command that Christ gave us, it was forgiveness. I know I shouldn't say that I hate something, but this is a difficult task to follow.
More often than not, we want to hold onto to the bitterness that we have for someone who wronged us at some point in our life. We want that bitterness to grow and harvest resentment. We want a reason to turn our nose to people who have hurt us. Who wants to show love to someone that really doesn't deserve it? Not me.
But I have realized that not only is this a command from God, but it's such a stress reliever. I have decided that anyone who has wronged me through out my life is going to receive amnesty. And they don't even have to apologize to me for their wrong doing. I know, " how nice of me" right?
Seriously though, everyday, I think of people who have wronged me and I get upset about that situation. It begins to stress me out, I worry about confronting that person, and it becomes an unhealthy situation again. Why do I allow myself to be so controlled by this? That's a great question.
But moving forward, the love I receive from Christ, is going to transferred to those situations so that forgiveness can happen. Complete forgiveness, so we can all move on. It will be erased from the record. At least that's the plan. I am not silly enough not to realize that it could take some time for me to really learn this trait, but it will happen.
I know I have wronged many over the 33 years of my life. And let me say this to you, I am beyond sorry for the pain or hurt that I have put upon you. Please forgive me of my transgression against you. I hope you can forget this and that we can enjoy our friendship once again. Thank you!

Who are you? Do you ever here that question and just want to scream? I am not talking about when people say, "Hey, so, where are you from?" No, I am talking about when someone confronts you and asks where did the person they know go. This question takes us back a bit. We have no idea what they are talking about. We haven't changed. Have we?
Growing up, I really never knew who I was or who I wanted to be. In college, I thought I knew. I wanted to be a youth minister. Or did I? I played one on T.V. Seriously, though, I spent ten years in the youth ministry, from an intern, to Part-time, to inner city, to Youth Director, to part time, to full time. But something was always missing.
I have been out of the ministry for over five years. I now own a photography business that does pretty well, and I work for a pretty predominant Art School. But something is still missing.
I know you are all waiting for me to get to the point and tell you what "it" is that I am missing. Well, your guess is as good as mine. I haven't a clue what "it" is that I am missing. I just know that "it" is not there.
I don't know how many of you are out there that is missing that something in there life that helps move them forward everyday, but you are not alone. Things for me have become increasingly difficult in my life. The majority of it is because of my own actions. Nothing crazy or hairy, just attitude, faith, patience, and something my grandma called gaschect! So no big deal right?!
Yeah, whatever! These are the things that make us get up everday and love life. When I look back on my life and ask my self what the hell happened? I close my eyes and can see exactly what happened and it scares me.
I gave up. I lost my "mojo". My self-discipline went out the window. I became a crotchity, grumpy old man. It's utterly ridiculous isn't it. It pisses me off quite frankly.
To know that I have an awesome wife and family that would support me no matter what if I just...finish the sentence. I need to communicate more. I need to be more patient. Kinder, more loving, gentle, caring, and most important; available. Not on a time basis, but on an emotional, spiritual basis.
I know you all thought I had it all together, well suprise right?!
When you wake up tomorrow, if you remember to do anything, remember to love. Just love!

January 3, 2011

Last night my son, found our cat outside by the cellar door, limp, and barely responsive. He moved him to our pourch, where he remained, painfully meowing. We brought him inside, it seemed as if he was choaking on something. But nothing was blocking his airway. I pressed on his belly and chest, and he did not wince or scream out in pain.
We wrapped him in a towel, and waited out the night. This morning, he hadn't moved and was still meowing in pain. My wife took him up to the vet, unfortunately we were too late. They could have run several tests, but they told her, by the time we find out what the problem is, there really would be nothing they could do to help him. When asked what they thought was the problem was; poison.
We live on a stree that only has like five houses...only one house has debris and junk laying out all over the place and accessible to any animals that come and go. My neighbors. Balboa, doesn't typically leave the front porch, but as warm as it had been, I'm sure he ventured away. You have to understand that, even though he was a year old, he was still the size of a kitten. He wasn't too adventurous.
So, we made the decision to put him down. He could have suffered for the next couple of days, but none the less would have passed away by that time.

Every day I wake up and I wonder what my day is going to be like. I wonder who I am going to meet. I wonder what the world is going to throw at me. Well, I wasn't prepared for today. It broke my wife's heart to have to put the little kitty down. What was worse, is that we had to explain to our three and four year olds what death is and where Balboa was at and why he wasn't coming back home. I wasn't ready for that today. It broke my heart to have to tell them that their little kitty friend wasn't coming home. To tell them that God loved Balboa so much that he wanted him to be his kitty. To see the heartbreak in their eyes and watch them cry.
It was too much.

At the end of the day, I will miss that cat, and I understand it was just a cat. But to my wife and children, it was much more, a part of the family. Someone or something took that away from us. To me, that's unacceptable. To say I am angry about this situation is an understatement. So would say, "It is what it is." Let me tell you something, there is no such thing. The world is the way it is, because we have allowed it to become this way. People are mean, because they chose to be. Nothing is ever what it is, unless we make it that way.

We need to wake up and realize this. We make our world what it is. Everything we do has consequences. Whether my cat was purposely poisoned, or some idiot left antifreeze out, some one allowed this to happen.

We need to make a concious decision to do what we know is right. Make the world what we know it should be...

January 1, 2011

I have decided instead of making resolutions this year, I am going to make a vow! Why make a vow? I believe that a vow is so much more deeper and meaningful then that of a resolution. Plus, I am making this vow to some particular people, not just myself. I feel by doing this, by making a vow to friends and family members, I am going to be held at a higher accountability then that of a resolution.
So, my vow is this: I vow to love harder, stronger, livelier, and more passionate than I have ever done so before. Now, I have been thinking of resolutions and trying to prepare for this day for a week or so now. There are a lot of things that I know I need to work on. But through love, I know those things can fall into place.
With love comes patience, kindness, a slow temper, encouragement, prayer, thanksgiving, and sacrifice. Let me start with prayer. Prayer is our way to communicate with our God. There is a lot of love that is given through prayer. Not only do we pray for our loved ones, but we become there advocate. Jesus becomes our advocate infront of God. Because he loves us. Our commitment to prayer shows our love for God and one another.
Next comes thanksgiving. Because we received Christ's love we can't help but be thankful. Because he has given us others to love, we should be more than thankful.
Patience is a huge sign of love if you are asking me. Patience and sacrfice go hand in hand. As we are patient with one another we are showing Christ's love to them. By being patient we allow ourselves to we are able to show our children how we love them. Patience helps us keep our anger and our tempers low. If we take the time to access the situation, we are more likely to become less anger. And when we are slow to anger our love grows and our heart becomes bigger with that love. With that love we are able to be kind and encourage one another.
I know some of you are thinking this is all pretty hoakie. That's okay.
However, to all of my friends and family, on this first day of the two thousand and eleventh year of our Lord, I vow to love more!
Please help me keep my vow as I live life through this year.
As you live your life this next year, I pray that it be an awesome year for you!