Angry and Forgiven

If you don't know anything about me or maybe you do, you may be surprised that I have ANGER issues.  I always have.  When I was younger growing up with many cousins who were more like siblings I was usually the younger one of the bunch.  And we all know what that means...

After getting picked on, looked over, worked up, I would get angry.  More often than not I wouldn't show it.  I would bottle it up and let it build up.  Occasionally I would explode, but not often.  When I got into my teen years, I did hit a bit of "acting out".  I would let my anger fly.  It was a rough time for me.  Divorce, new school, no attention...I reacted.

But my freshman year, my cousin G.J. would come and pick me up and we would go and play Frisbee golf and that meant a lot to me.  I had someone I could relate to and someone who I could look up to.  My sophomore year I started hanging out with this two guys, Tim and Mike.  They changed my whole perspective on life.  I grew up in a weird set up religiously speaking.  On my dad's side of the family we went to a United Church of Christ church.  On my mother's side of the family we went to a Nazarene church. Two different denominations with very different doctrines.  

Quick back story, in 7th grade I basically gave up on God and my faith.  I didn't really care...(just wanted to put that out there).  So, like I said, two different denominations, two different doctrines.  It was hard as a young teenager to grasp what and who I was supposed to believe in.  Mike and Tim came along and made it easy.  God loves you for you.  Jesus died on the cross to forgive you for the mistakes that you made.  If you accept this and do everything you can to live a life according to His will, boom! you'll have eternity.  Simple! Right!?

Not for a guy who raged with anger. It was always bottled up.  Through high school I did what I could to live the life I thought God wanted for me.  I started to go to church more, pray more, be the better person.  People would say things or do things and I would get angry and bottle it up.  Guys who tried to pick fights with me had no idea what type of rage was stored up inside.  But I would walk away, putting more and more anger aside.  

There were instances when the bottle cap would become loose and some of that stored up anger would leak out. And I would lay waste to anything and anyone who came around me. But the bottle would remain capped.  Many things happened my senior year of high school that almost blew the top off the bottle.  You should ask me sometime, it's a great story... 

After high school I joined the Marine Corps thinking this might help me release and use this stored up anger.  And I would say it allowed about half of it out.  But as time went on and life happened new things would create more and more anger and the bottle would be filled back up again.

I am now 36 years old and soon to be 37.  I have been through an unpleasant marriage and divorce.  I am now happily married with 3 children, dogs, cats, chickens, and a farm.  If you can imagine the divorce in itself created a lot of anger build up. Not to mention the backlash from friends and family members who don't understand what it was like to go through this...

So, why do I tell you all of this?  Because I have anger issues.  There are days where my anger gets the best of me and those I love the most see it and feel it.  We moved from a bad situation with crazy neighbors to what should be peace and tranquility but as of late there has been things occurring that have caused a lot of anger to build up inside of me again.

I know what you are thinking...Robb, you need help.  I'm glad you thought that too.  I've got help.  And that's what this blog was about.  The only thing, person I should say that has kept me from exploding completely is my God.  My savior Jesus Christ.  His presence in my life through out the years has helped dissipate some of that stored up anger.  Like water evaporating in the hot sun, Christ has eased that pain bit by bit.  Why not all of it right?  Because I have not allowed that to happen.  Some people would say, why would God allow bad things to happen to you if you are a follower of Christ? ( and trust me when I say, bad things have happened to me) My answer is this, God made this world for us.  It was meant to be perfect.  But sin (Lucifer..aka Satan) entered into it and tricked man.  Why would God allow this to happen?  Because He gave us free will.  We get to chose right from wrong.  We get to play the blame game or stay encouraged and move forward.  Man is foul-able.  It's an unfortunate truth.  But Robb bad things are still happening to good people.  You are right.  And they always will until the end of time.  You can call it a test of perseverance. You can call it a test of faith.  Some people would call it ignorance or that God is a big bully with a magnifying glass and we are the ants.  You can call it what ever you want but it's that attitude and the lack of complete human decency around the world that creates bad things. Thus the reason for Christ to come into this world and die for us to be forgiven.  Well why would God not just forgive us Himself?  Because He has already, more than once.  With Christ there had to be a sacrifice made in our stead.  It was our last chance, and we got lucky.  Christ could have walked away and said these people are on their own.  But He didn't.  God has given us the opportunity to chose right from wrong.  God has given us the capability to overcome all things...pain, fear, anger, etc.  God has also given us love, compassion, trust, hope.  Ultimately like I said, God gave us His son Christ that showed us even though His own people turned on Him, beat him, spit on him and ultimately killed him, he still loved them!     

For this reason alone, I bottle my anger.  Am I perfect?  Not at all.  But today, the day of all days, Good Friday, Christ sacrificed His life so that I may be angry, but I may still be forgiven of that anger.

...just a thought!  

My True Center

Lately I have been trying to find my "center". If you didn't already know I am a Christ-follower. I don't claim to be a "Christian" because I feel that this term brings about many negative connotations with it. (my personal opinion)
Like I was saying, I have been trying to find my center, and yes as someone who follows Christ I have always been taught and do know that Christ should be my center. But I am flawed. I am human and God knows this. 
God has created in me a passion to be creative, to be jovial, to be overly emotional, to give of myself. And because of God's gifts to me I have allowed myself to be pulled in several directions that encompass these traits. 
If you weren't aware, I have several pages and groups that I have created or started here on facebook. I have two blogs. My wife and I own a photography studio and I have just launched a new graphic design endeavor. Above and beyond that, I am an ordained minister so from time to time I perform the occassional wedding ceremony.
On top of these things, we recently moved to a farm and are hoping to create a beautiful and wonderful garden that we can grow many different things to help sustain our family and our friends and family at minimal costs.
Why do I tell you this, it is because I have so many interests that it is ridiculous; drawing, painting, computer graphic design, photography, gardening, chickens, rabbits, turkeys, goats, sports. That's just me. My children are very involved as well. My girls love playing outside in the fresh air. They are in girl scouts as well. My son runs track and cross country and participates in the high school band. My wife is so talented. She and one of our great friends have designed and plotted out our entire garden. She is a phenomenal photographer. Not to mention she loves our chickens and the entire livestock concept. 
I think at the end of the day, my center is Christ and His love for me eminates through my love of my family through all of our talents, gifts, and interests. It may be tiring and honestly exhausting at times. But they are my world and I do all these things for them, which in turn, I believe makes Christ proud of His creation in me.
Just a thought...

Gone Country

Stay tuned for some changes.

Bus Ride Shenanigans

So if you didn't know I ride the Clermont Transportation Bus to and from work everyday.  Most of the time I am the only male adult.  There is one teen, but he usually has his head phones on and is reclusive.  Anyway, today was a dandy.  

The ladies got into a discussion concerning health care and their young adult children.  Then they got onto the topic of the military.  First, if you did not know, I served 8 years in the military, the United States Marine Corps to be specific.  My wife served in the Marine Corps.  I have several friends and family members who served in the Marine Corps.  I also have several friends and family members that are serving in the Army, Navy, Air Force and the Coast Guard.  

These ladies, who never served at all, discussed the deplorable conditions of Afghanistan amongst other things.  I would like to take a moment and discuss this point.  It is war.  It is going to be deplorable. Do we think Vietnam, or Korea, or any other place we've been in conflict could have been better? Moving on...then they discussed recruiters and the empty promises that they make... Next point, there is a contract that is signed by every enlistee.  Read it.  And let me be frank, you sign on the dotted line, there is always a chance you could go to war.  There is always a chance you could go to the front line.  It does not matter if you are War Journalist, a supply clerk, an admin jockey or a military police officer, you signed up to protect and serve the United States of America, that is your duty. Be prepared.

Most that sign up, voluntarily might I add, know this and can comprehend this.  So my point in this rant is this, if you decide that you would like to discuss the happenings of the military, and you have never served personally, think before you speak.  Yes, you may not like what is going on overseas or in the White House, but you didn't volunteer to protect our country no matter what happens in this big world we call home now did you?!  You need to think about the fact that there may be those around you that have.  There may be those who have and lost friends and family members.  There may be those who have lost loved ones as a sacrifice to give you freedom.

We few have volunteered and sacrificed so that the many could be safe and have the freedoms that we have now.  Remember that the next time you are complaining about the recruiter calling, or the conditions overseas.  They volunteered.  Almost 180,000 Americans volunteer each year to protect our borders and our freedoms.  They know the pay isn't great, the benefits are not great, but yet they volunteer.  It's possible that 1 in every 5 people around you have served at one time or another in the military.  

All I am saying, is think before you speak.  You never know who is around you that your conversation may affect.

And not everyone may agree with me...but this is how I feel.

It's Time To Improve!

It’s 2014.  A time for resolutions, a time to embrace change, a time to makes things new again.  Over the many years I have been trying to persuade myself through resolutions I have come to one conclusion, I stink at sticking to them.  I really do. 

When I talk about embracing change, what I mean by that is CHANGE is inevitable.  It’s going to happen whether we like it or not.  It may not be the change that we employ rather it’s that nasty type of change that creeps up on us over the years.  For example, in 1996 I graduated from the United States Marine Corps Recruit Training weighing in at a fit and ripped 160 pounds.  That’s right!  I was 18 and had the proverbial 6 pack. 

This upcoming March it will be another 18 years since that graduation.  And being transparent, I have gained that recruit in weight.  On January 1^st I weighed in at 320 pounds.  With that being said I have gained almost 9 pounds a year since 1996.  Now, don’t get me wrong my weight has gone up and down and up and down since then, but as of the 1^st this is where it’s at. 

Almost every year I make a resolution to lose weight.  I tell myself I am going to start “brand new” in the new year and do some awesome things.  Starting new, hasn’t worked either.  It’s always the same result…February and March come around and McDonalds and all the other gluttonous restaurants are back calling my name and inviting me over as if we never parted ways.

So, this year I have decided to not start new, not really resolve to do something crazy drastic like give up meat for 40 days, but to IMPROVE.  What I mean by this is; in God’s eyes I am awesome.  Don’t get me wrong I have my faults and weaknesses but in His eyes, I am HIS child who he loves no matter how big, skinny, tan, pale, forgetful, bright, lazy, hardworking…etc I am or become.  God made me.  I was His design.  However, I did pull away and try to make my own “modifications” along the way but in the end, I cannot make anything “new” again.  What I can do is improve.  I can improve on my life every day. 

How do I improve you ask?  Great question… I can take a step back and improve on my education.  Not just of the world but of His word.  I can improve on my eating habits.  I can put the proper nutrition into my body instead of those things that are not.  I can improve on my attitude by improving my positive thinking through knowing what God promises are for me.  I can improve my attitude towards my family by taking the time to stop and listen before speaking.  I can improve my quality time with my family by turning of the distractions…the gadgets, the devices, the television, the “noise”.  There are many things that I can improve on, and one thing is to improve on taking one thing at a time.

So, in this new year, it’s not about change, it’s not about starting something new.  It’s all about improving who I am and who I want to be through God and for God and for my family and for me.

What do you need to improve?